Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other, "Do you have to do that right now?"
Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”
Wife: “I'm looking for an expiration date.”
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff.
Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
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1. Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, it is February 14th.
2. Why should you never break up with a goalie? Because he is a keeper.
3. What did one boat say to the other boat? Are you interested in a little row-mance?
4. What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor? Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
5. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive, who? Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it.
6. My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
7. I love everyone. Some people I love to be around, while some of them are people who I would rather avoid. And then there are some who I would love to punch in the face.
8. I love you with all my butt. I would say my heart, but it is just not as big.
9. You are like my asthma. You just take my breath away.
10. You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
11. You are like my dentures. I cannot smile without you.
12. You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
13. Why do men like to fall in love at first sight? Because doing so saves them a lot of money.
14. The funniest joke of all time is my love life.
15. Falling in love is like going deep into a river. It is much easier to get in it than it is to get out of it.
16. Can I borrow a kiss from you? I promise you that I will give it back.
17. Never laugh at your significant other’s choices because you happen to be one of them.
18. I don’t know your name yet, but it must be Wi-Fi because I am feeling such a strong connection here.
19. There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
20. Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely.
21. Are you familiar with that tingly feeling that you get in your body when you start to develop feelings for someone? That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body.
22. You can fall from the sky and you can fall from a tree, but the best way for you to fall is to fall in love with me.
23. We must both be subatomic particles because I feel this strong force between the two of us.
24. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put the letters U and I together.
25. What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? It was love at first bite!
26. Have you ever been fishing before? I only ask because I really think that we should hook up.
27. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Owl. Owl, who? Owl always love you!
28. I love you today more than I did yesterday. And that is because you really ticked me off yesterday.
29. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pauline. Pauline, who? I think I’m Pauline in love with you.
30. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Honeydew. Honeydew, who? Honeydew you know how much I love you?
31. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candice. Candice, who? Candice be love that I am feeling right now?
32. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Juno. Juno, who. Juno that you’re the love of my life?
33. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Frank. Frank, who? Frank you for loving me.
34. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Eyesore. Eyesore, who? Eyesore do love you a lot.
35. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Halibut. Halibut, who? Halibut a kiss for me?
36. Knock, knock. Who’s there? I love. I love, who? I love you too!
37. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iguana. Iguana, who? Iguana love you forever and always.
38. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leena. Leena, who? Leena little closer so I can kiss you!
39. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive, who? Olive you so, so much!
40. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe, who? Canoe give me a big kiss?
41. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange, who? Orange you going to kiss me instead of just standing there?
42. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry, who? Harry up and kiss me!
43. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke, who? Luke into my eyes and tell me that you love me.
44. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ben. Ben, who? Been thinking about you all day.
45. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee, who? Norma Lee I don’t say this, but I think that I am falling for you.
46. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita. Anita, who? Anita kiss from you.
47. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana, who? Ivana spend the rest of my life with you.
48. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Muffin. Muffin, who? Muffin in this world can keep us apart.
49. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aldo. Aldo, who? Aldo anything to make you happy.
50. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cynthia. Cynthia, who? Cynthia you went away, I have been missing you so much.
51. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pauline. Pauline, who? I’m Pauline in love with you more and more each day.
52. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Snow. Snow, who? Snow use, I just can’t stop thinking about you.
53. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry, who? Harry up and kiss me!
54. Love is like having to pass gas. If you force, then you are going to make a mess.
55. Did I tell you that the girl I have been seeing works at the zoo? I think she’s a keeper.
56. Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted? He fell in love with a pincushion.
57. Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home. You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
58. The voice of love seemed to call me, and then I realized that it was a wrong number.
59. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Keith. Keith, who? Keith me, my love!
60. You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body. In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
61. My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me and my boyfriend replied, “I just used a modem.”
62. A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”
63. Why do painters always fall for their models? Because they love them with all of their art.
64. Let’s commit the perfect crime together. I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
65. The brain is the most impressive organ in our whole body. From the day you are born, it works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, right up until you fall in love.
66. Women can fake an orgasm, while men can fake a whole relationship.
67. Love is a form of amnesia where a girl forgets that there are about 1.2 billion other boys out there in the world.
68. A T-Rex told his girlfriend, “I love you this much,” as he stretched out his arms. To which the girlfriend replied, “that’s not very much at all!”
69. If I have to choose between men and shoes, I will choose shoes. They tend to last longer.
70. I think you might be suffering from a lack of vitamin me.
71. Forget about the butterflies. When I am with you, I feel the whole zoo.